Monday, August 22, 2005

Dear God, It's Me, Nicole.

Nothing else matters when you are faced with the harsh reality that your parents will be gone someday. That you will one day mourn the loss of the first two people you ever loved.

In 1998 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has always been a strong, healthy woman, so it was no surprise to anyone when she fought it and won. Until 2002. When the doctors told us that it had come back. With even stronger resolve than the first time, she fought back again. And so far, she is winning. But until the doctors tell us that she is officially in remission, I live everyday in fear that my mom might not be there when my first child is born.

My father has been her rock, ever stronger for her, ever more supportive of her, ever more loving. Their faith and their relationship continually strengthened by this test. He has always been, and is still, my hero.

Which is why it came as a great shock to me this evening when he told me he has prostate cancer. How could this man, who I have idealized all my life, be fallible? Equally inconceivable to me is the thought that my daddy might not be there to walk me down the aisle someday.

And this, mere weeks after learning that my cousin, who is my age and one of my dearest friends, has just had her own brush with skin cancer.

At this moment, I cannot imagine how I am going to deal with this. They say "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best." But I refuse to accept this. I refuse to even entertain the idea that I could lose both parents so early in life. And yet at the same time, I am forced to realize that life is so fragile. That we may not have as much time as we once thought.

Friends in blogland, tell your parents you love them today. Tell your children you love them. And if you have ever been religious in your life, please pray for my papa. Thanks.


Montezuma's Revenge said...

Prayers and thoughts...stay strong.

Amber said...

Nicole -- what Montezuma said -- and also, I have the same fears as you do. I know my parents will be the BEST grandparents, and I worry that my kids will never know that. It's hard not to think of things like that, but it does us no good. Use your energy to let them know you love them -- which is exactly what you're doing.
Take care...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Okay, and hugs for you too, kid.

Wombat & Aspen said...

Not that this is much comfort, but through these experiences I'm sure you more fully appreciate life and the people you love. It's amazing how much we take for granted.

Carolyn said...

I'm so, so sorry. I will definitely pray for your dad, and your mom too.

Rico said...

Nicole, it's taken me a day and I still wasn't sure what to say after reading your post. I know you're in a very difficult place and I will keep you in my prayers as well.
The Bible says: We are all invincable until our Father calls us home, but it also says that the Lord will never give you more than you can handle.

undercover celebrity said...

Your family is in my prayers -- they're lucky to have a daughter who loves them so much.

Van! said...

Prayers.... I'm sorry.

J.Morgan said...

Nicole, best of luck and many regrets. Pulling a Rico here, and quoting Psalm 23 of the bible:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me"

Look to God.

Topher said...

Hi Nikki.
When I read this, the night Dad called came back to me. That call paralyzed me. So many fears came back. I never wrote about how I felt; maybe I should have, since I had to read your post through tears (you know how hard it is for me to cry).
I hope that they both know how much we love them. I don't want to know how I would handle that loss anytime soon.
Love you.

Nicole said...


Welcome to blogland. I can't believe you started that blog we talked about and didn't tell me -- post already so I can link to you!

I love you, buddy.


Anonymous said...

Keep the positive

steve said...

My Pops was just diagnosed a few months ago. I understand your feeling on this BIG time. God is good and has it all under control.

Have a blessed day