Monday, March 28, 2005

All the Easter Eggs in One Basket

Easter. A fine holiday, to be sure. But not usually as high on my list of favorites as, say, Christmas. Or my birthday. Or Valentine's Day. But this year, I was truly excited about Easter. JS and I were going to church together, like we've been doing for the last six weeks or so.

The service was wonderful. Amazing music. Thousands of voices raised together in praise in a worship center that was packed to capacity. A great message from pastor Rick. And JS by my side. There is something indescribably fantastic about sharing spiritual experiences with someone you care about.

And while I'd like to be mature enough to say that, if for no other reason, I'm thankful that JS came into my life because we both have strengthened our relationships with God since we've been dating, I regret to inform you that this alone would not satisfy me. You see, the more time we spend together, the more I care about him. The deeper I fall for him. The closer I come to opening up my heart and loving him. But as much as I want to, I can't.

Because I'm afraid that he'll get back together with his ex. Again.* Because he still admittedly has some feelings for her. Because I fear that these feelings preclude him from having any real feelings for me. Because I don't want to fall and get hurt. Because when I look at his online profile, I find new photos and recent activity (and, yes, I know how hypocritical that last one is). Because I fear that he is dating other people, or at least looking to do so, even though he tells me that he isn't. Because I feel so good when I'm with him and so insecure when I'm not.

But I have foregone my other options. I saw three months ago and still see in him today that inexplicable and yet essential something that is both promising and exciting, and have long since let the others with less potential go to pursue that something. I don't know what will happen between us in the coming weeks or months or even years. And that terrifies me. So along with the eggs, I'm having to place all my faith in that basket and just hope. And pray for patience and understanding.

*He so quickly realized the foolishness of that decision that it wasn't even worth the time it would have taken to blog about it. Although I have plenty of things to say about the ex. Plus, it was an exhausting 48 hours.

Monday, March 14, 2005

X Games, Here We Come!

So, cabin weekend 2005 was super-fun.

I had a minor bout of depression just before we left. Not because I was afraid of breaking one (or more) of my limbs into a thousand pieces. No. Because JS was dreadfully sick. So sick that he wasn't going to be able to come. All the planning. All the anticipation. All the excitement over the fun that was to be had. All the pre-paid, non-refundable reservations. I was so sad as I left my gig to drive up the mountain. By myself. With two other couples. And while I do so love being a fifth wheel, this wasn't exactly the weekend I had envisioned.

Being the only single member of the group, I got stuck with the sofa bed instead of getting one of the two rooms. I awoke Saturday morning tired and sore from a not-so-good night's sleep, and feeling less-than-enthusiastic about skiing solo with the lovely couples. Luckily, skiing turns out to be rather like riding a bike. I was sure of what I was doing after our first run, and by the end of the day, I had graduated from green circles to blue squares and I was feeling pretty confident that I'd be back to my talent of yesteryear in no time at all.

But the fact that I didn't fall even once during my first day back on the slopes wasn't the best part of the day. By the time I got out of the shower that evening, JS had arrived at the cabin.* He was still sick, but feeling much better than before. The others had decided to do a bit of late skiing, so he and I enjoyed the jacuzzi and a glass of wine for a while until they returned from a hard day's work. After dinner, we all played games and stayed up way past our bedtimes. I was still stuck with the sofa bed, but at least I had some company for the second night.

When we hit the slopes on Sunday morning, I was so happy that even a crippling fall couldn't have broken my spirit. JS is an even better skiier than I imagined. The grace and ease with which he shooshed down the hill both inspired and challenged me, and by the end of day two, I was skiing black diamonds again.

So the weekend getaway ended happily after all.** No falls. No broken bones. No broken hearts. Just some super-cute pictures and some really good times.

*To be fair, I actually knew he was coming up. We had spoken earlier in the day. But isn't the story so much better if he surprised me?
**Except for the part where my car got towed, but I chose not to include that part, on account of I think it sucks the fun out of the story.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

"Break a Leg"

A pre-show phrase I've become accustomed to, working in the entertainment industry. However, I fear that I may actually do so this weekend.

In approximately three days, sixteen hours, and forty-nine minutes (approximately), I will once again brave the wintery slopes on skis after a hiatus of something like seven years. Of course, I'm terribly excited about the weekend getaway that JS and I will be taking, especially since it will include apres-ski soaks in the jacuzzi in my new Brazilian bikini, game night in front of a toasty fire with Em and M (cute, huh?), and far too much alcohol. But I can't help but feel a tiny pang of apprehension about the whole skiing part of the weekend.

With my ex, J (seriously, what is it with me and men whose names start with this letter?!), I took up snowboarding. So it's not like I've been completely absent from the slopes for the last seven years. But I haven't donned skis and the requisite torturous ski boots in what seems like an eternity. Freezing my cold feet further, JS is an incredible skier. And I used to be, too. So now I feel pressure to jump right back onto the black diamonds of my youth. But I fear I may be stuck on green circles all day. Or end up gliding gracefully down the hill on the toboggan attached to the helpful ski patrollers' snowmobile, broken limb braced for the bumpy ride.

I can hardly wait!