Monday, May 29, 2006

The Bird

I returned home after work one summer afternoon to find that the door leading from the carport into the kitchen had been left open. Not just unlocked. Wide open. Living in Utah, and especially living close to BYU, this was not much cause for concern (the crime rate there, as you can imagine, is relatively low), but was another frustrating reminder that the two boys I lived with were not exactly the most responsible people.

Nevertheless, I went about my regularly-scheduled business of sorting the mail on the kitchen counter and checking the messages on the answering machine. That's when I noticed that the vertical blinds next to me were rustling, and I could see a dark figure near the base of the sliding glass doors -- about six inches from my feet. At first, I wasn't sure what it was. But I wasn't about to wait around to find out, so I grabbed the cordless phone and hurried into my bedroom down the hall.

Why my gay dance partner was the first person I thought to call, I'm not entirely sure. I mean, he was smaller than I, and certainly no braver. But my boyfriend was still at work, so I called him in a panic.

Me: "Troy, there is a crow in my house. You have to come over right away to help me!"
Troy: "What do you want me to do about it?"
Me: "Kill it, of course!"
Troy: "I'm not killing a bird. Where is it now?"
Me: "I don't know! I'm locked in my bedroom."
Troy: "Go see where it is. Maybe you scared it and it flew out already."
Me: "Okay. Hang on..."

I emerge slowly from the safety of my bedroom, being careful not to make a sound. Peering around the corner, I can see that the large black bird is not in the place of my initial discovery. Maybe he's right, I think. Maybe it has left the house.

As I turn around, I notice to my horror a silouhette in the dark living room, perched on the arm of the sofa. It's looking at me. Directly at me. With glowing eyes, it begins to fly, claws outstretched, making the most terrible sound my ears have ever heard. I scream and drop the phone, run into my room and slam the door, when...


The bird has charged right into my door. It wanted to attack me. It was coming to peck my eyes out!

Now what am I going to do? I left the phone in the living room (I didn't have a cell phone at the time), and I'm home alone. What if it pecks through the door and eats me alive? My mind is racing, when I hear a group of boys in the kitchen calling my name.

Who has come to save me from this evil bird? It's my dance partner and his housemates. Apparently, my scream and the thud that followed caused some concern. So he gathered up the troops and came to save the day. I was free at last. But let me assure you, there is nothing funnier than six gay men trying to shoo a crow out with a broom.

Clearly, Alfred Hitchcock's got nothing on me.


Karl said...

Ha! God, tell me there's surveillance footage and I'll worship you forever.

Edge said...

Oh my gosh, how funny. Did they give the crow a make-over!

But this raises an interesting question. Gay men in Provo in the heart of Mormondom?


Carl Spackler said...

1- is that a true story?
2- did you go to byu?

Nicole said...

Karl: I do wish I had surveillance footage. Partly because you would worship me forever, and partly because I could have won the grand prize from AFV!

Jef: No makeovers -- crows are a hopeless cause. But yeah, the guys didn't exactly fit in in Provo.

Carl Spackler: 1-Of course it's a true story! I wouldn't make this stuff up. 2-Briefly. But that whole drama is a subject for its own post.

Carl Spackler said...

have you thought about auditioning for american idol?

Nicole said...

Carl Spackler: Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt. Got cut in round three. Now I'm too old.

Carl Spackler said...

WHAT! you got cut. that is just not possible. from this point forward i'm launching an all out boycott of the show.

Hale McKay said...

That was hilarious! You mentioned Alfred Hitchcock's THe Birds. I was thinking of AEP's The Raven when you described it sitting on the chair arm -- "Nevermore." (since crows are related to ravens, it was easy to imagine.)

Nocturnal said...

Sounds like you needed Brandon Lee to take care of that situation. Troy's replies cracked me up.


karla said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
karla said...

I hate birds. They're nasty and stinky and stupid and prone to flying straight into things because they're either dumb or psychotic. Or both. I'm glad you had your handy team of gay superheros to help you.

Carl Spackler said...

are you engaged yet?