Sunday, April 03, 2005

Dead Inside

That's how I feel today. The part of my life that I shared with JS is over. It was my favorite part. And now it's gone. And I feel empty.

Last night, after a heartbreaking conversation that seemed to go in circles, I was depressed and defeated, alone and afraid, and most of all, hurt. And he wasn't there to hold me and tell me it would be okay. So I cried myself to sleep. This morning I went to church alone. He wasn't there to share it with me. This journey that we started together, this bond that I thought we shared - it was just me now. Making matters worse, he was there with his ex. So I cried all the way there. And through much of the service. And all the way home. I was sure that the well of my tears had surely run dry after the last 24 hours, and yet I cry still as I write this.

It's killing me that it's over.
It's killing me that he chooses his ex. Again. Who is, by his own admission, not the right person for him. And he is not right for her. They are too different. They fight all the time. The issues that caused them to break up the last five times have surely not changed.
It's killing me that he chooses an unhealthy relationship. One in which he is manipulated, used, unappreciated, taken for granted. One in which he cannot fully be himself. One that will ultimately never make him happy.
It's killing me that he thinks this could possibly be love.
It's killing me that he lets her have such power over him.
It's killing me that he can't see through her. That she is only going to church for him. Not for herself. Otherwise, she would have gone on her own. That it is just a ploy to see him again. To try to connect in a way that they never could before. A way that he and I have connected.
It's killing me that, after telling me that I am the perfect girl for him, that I have everything he wants and needs and more, he is able to walk away.
It's killing me that his heart still hangs on to her. That he isn't able to move on. That because of this, and even though we are right for each other in so many ways, he can't love me the way I want and deserve to be loved.
It's killing me that he can't even explain what draws him back to her. Why he feels this way about her, even though he knows they will never work.
It's killing me that I couldn't make him feel that way. That I couldn't make him forget her.
It's killing me that this relationship had so much potential, and yet we don't get to develop it any further. That it wasn't even given the chance to grow.
It's killing me that he's making a bad decision. Whether he chooses me or not, she is not good for him.
It's killing me that I am powerless. That I can't do anything or say anything to make him change his mind.
It's killing me that I can't conceive of anyone better suited for me.
It's killing me that all I have now are memories.
It's killing me that there are no more plans to be made. No more fun to be had. No more interesting conversations over dinner. No more laughing until our stomachs hurt at the comedy club. No more church dates. No more ski weekends. No more making dinner together at home. No more sleeping in each other's arms. No more tender kisses.
It's killing me that he was happy with me, and yet those feelings weren't strong enough to overcome the leftover feelings for her.
It's killing me that my plans for his birthday must now be canceled.
It's killing me that I don't feel like it should be over. That I truly believe we were brought together for a reason that has not yet been fulfilled.
It's killing me that, against my better judgement and without fully realizing it, I fell for him. That I love him for so many reasons.
It's killing me that I miss his laugh. His smile. Our conversations about everything and nothing. The fact that they were always interesting and we never ran out of things to talk about. And so many other things about him that I love and miss.
It's killing me that he doesn't even know this.

It's killing me that I want to be with him. To wake up in his arms and discover that this was only a bad dream.
It's killing me that I can't stop crying.
It's killing me that I can't eat or sleep. That I feel absolutely sick over this.
And the hollowness I feel inside, the pain that consumes me over this whole thing - that's killing me the most.



2 comments:

AdZ said...

He sounds like a dick. You are better off without him. Don't worry the perfect man who will make your dreams come true is waiting... just a short time away...

undercover celebrity said...

I second that.

I'm sorry that you're hurting -- but if he is this dense, then clearly you deserve better. Darn those crafty ex-girlfriends.