Monday, March 28, 2005

All the Easter Eggs in One Basket

Easter. A fine holiday, to be sure. But not usually as high on my list of favorites as, say, Christmas. Or my birthday. Or Valentine's Day. But this year, I was truly excited about Easter. JS and I were going to church together, like we've been doing for the last six weeks or so.

The service was wonderful. Amazing music. Thousands of voices raised together in praise in a worship center that was packed to capacity. A great message from pastor Rick. And JS by my side. There is something indescribably fantastic about sharing spiritual experiences with someone you care about.

And while I'd like to be mature enough to say that, if for no other reason, I'm thankful that JS came into my life because we both have strengthened our relationships with God since we've been dating, I regret to inform you that this alone would not satisfy me. You see, the more time we spend together, the more I care about him. The deeper I fall for him. The closer I come to opening up my heart and loving him. But as much as I want to, I can't.

Because I'm afraid that he'll get back together with his ex. Again.* Because he still admittedly has some feelings for her. Because I fear that these feelings preclude him from having any real feelings for me. Because I don't want to fall and get hurt. Because when I look at his online profile, I find new photos and recent activity (and, yes, I know how hypocritical that last one is). Because I fear that he is dating other people, or at least looking to do so, even though he tells me that he isn't. Because I feel so good when I'm with him and so insecure when I'm not.

But I have foregone my other options. I saw three months ago and still see in him today that inexplicable and yet essential something that is both promising and exciting, and have long since let the others with less potential go to pursue that something. I don't know what will happen between us in the coming weeks or months or even years. And that terrifies me. So along with the eggs, I'm having to place all my faith in that basket and just hope. And pray for patience and understanding.

*He so quickly realized the foolishness of that decision that it wasn't even worth the time it would have taken to blog about it. Although I have plenty of things to say about the ex. Plus, it was an exhausting 48 hours.

1 comment:

Playfully Accused said...

SEE! ...your b-day is one of your favorite holidays! I knew it!!!